The Ultimate Discworld Movie

In 1983, Terry Pratchett published The Colour of Magic, the first of the Discworld series. Since then they’ve become amazingly successful. I, for one, am hooked. I find them increasingly hard to put down, and the later ones I have to try really hard not to read them too fast, otherwise I’ll get to the end of the book.

If you aren’t a Discworld fan, you might as well get back to work. You just wont understand much of what you’re about to read.

The idea is pretty straightforward. And also pretty old (Im deffinately not the first person to do this). Its the ultimate wish list of actors and actresses to play in a Discworld movie – not one necessarily based on any of the books. Or a number of movies – one doing a City Watch story, or the Witches, or Death and Susan, or the Wizards. I haven’t decided on that yet, and chances are, Im not going to. In the meantime, this list has taken me literally weeks to compile.

Here we go:

City Watch:

1. Sam Vimes – Liam Neeson

Everyone says it should be Clint Eastwood. And yes, the motto of the City Watch is Fabricate Dium Punk – a tribute to Dirty Harry. But he’s getting a bit old, and I prefer Neeson anyway.

2. Carrot Ironfounderson – Matt Damon

This is, in my opinion, one of the harder bits of casting. Matt Damon looks right – but he’s too small. A bit of false perspective camera work can fix that. He managed to pull off a South African accent fairly well (for an American) in Invictus, so Im pretty sure he could do a Welsh accent for Carrot. Just make him a ginger.

3. Angua – Sarah Alexandra

Her role in Coupling was what Im after. Sort of nervous, but level headed at the same time. And I think she could do the hostile death glare very well. The bit where Angua absent-mindedly is squeeking Mr Fusspot’s rubber bone in Making Money is one of the funniest Discoworld moments as well.

4. Nobby Nobbs – Tony Robinson

He played Baldrick in Black Adder. Make him look ugly, and he’d nail it. “Me sir – I have a cunning plan…”

5. Fred Colon – Terry Jones

I can very easily imagine him being terrified of anyone with authority, explaining in detail to Lord Vetinari exactly where he can put it, and telling Nobby how teeth fit together so well, and how tins of sardines aren’t sardine shaped.

6. Detritus – Lawrence Dallaglio

Yes, he’s a rugby player, not an actor. But Detritus is not a very difficult part to play. And I think Dallaglio would really do “feel fick, sah” really well. And just look at that face.

7. Cheery Littlebottom – Cathy Burke

I only really know of her from the I told you I was ill Spike Milligan Tribute. She did a pretty passable Minnie Bannister.

8. Constable Cuddy – Sean Astin

Deffinately has the right build to pull off a dwarf. Cuddy only appears in Men At Arms, but Sean Astin could do any dwarf role, like the Low King in Fifth Elephant, or Glod in Soul Music.

9. Reg Shoe – Hugh Lowrie

These days he’s gone over to the bad side, and plays in American sitcoms. But he did a lot of stand-up stuff with Rowan Atkinson, and – of course – Black Adder. As a zombie… I dont think you’d even have to put that much makup on…

10. Constable Dorfl – Michael Clarke Duncan

Im not going to beat around the bush here – the man is huge. I think his voice is even right for a Golem. Computer graphics or something could do the rest.

The Witches:

1. Granny Weatherwax – Judy Dench

Alright, Granny Weatherwax is tall and skinny, and Judy Dench isn’t. But the attitude and everything… She makes a very sharp, snappish M in the newer James Bond movies, and I think that counts more than anything.

2. Nanny Ogg – Jo Brand

I only really know her from a few episodes of Stephan Fry’s alternative quizshow QI. But she has everything Nanny Ogg needs – a wry smile, certain toothiness, and a wicked sense of humour.

3. Magrat Garlick – Lisa Kudrow

Think Phoebe in Friends – ditsy, forgetful… A modern equivalent of Magrat. But she needs a bit of a Pommy accent.

4. Verence – Colin Firth

Really good in The Importance of Being Ernest and utterly brilliant in The King’s Speech. The ease with which I can see him being slapping in the face with a pie is somewhat worrying though.

The Wizards:

1. Rincewind – Simon Pegg

This was a tricky one… The thing that sold me was an episode of Top Gear (season 9, episode 4 if memory serves…) where he drove the car around the track, and said “Help!” in a particularly… Rincewind way.

2. Mustrum Ridcully – Sean Connery

I think the best part about him is imagining him yelling “Burshar! How many timesh have I told you not to fly higher than the wallsh?!”

3. The Dean – John Cleese

Stick a pillow up his robe – make him fatter. “I’ll save you Mrs Whitlow!”

4. The Bursar – Rowan Atkinson

I was never a huge fan of Mr Bean, but I do think the man is the greatest master of modern slapstick. His facial expressions are simply incredible.

5. The Chair of Indeffinate Studies – Stephen Fry

I just really want him as a wizard. And I think of Stephen Fry in an argument scene would be brilliant.

6. The Lecturer of Recent Runes – John Rhys Davis

Again, John Rhys Davis is someone who I think would make a really good wizard, and Ive just sort of slotted him in. I think he would make a pretty good Churchill as well, come to think of it.

7. Ponder Stibbons – Alan Cumming

This has probably been the hardest of the lot. I bounced around everyone from Steve Coogan to Gabriel Thomson via Alan Cumming. I really didn’t want to have a previous wizard playing another wizard, but he is actually a decent actor. He looks right, has worn round glasses before and I think would do a comedic role very well.

Ankh Morpork Miscalaneous:

1. Lord Vetinari – Pierce Brosnan

Not the obvious choice, I think. Most people know him as an almost comical Bond, but I think he could do sharp, serious and the death-stare very well. Capital.

2. Moist von Lipwig – Ewan McGregor

He’s a very… smiley actor. I think he just smiles very easily (although the picture above is a bad example). Moist needs to be a likeable character – people must see him and trust him immediately. But he needs to have a hidden, sharper persona as well.

3. Adora Belle Dearheart – Natalie Dormer

Honestly, I do not think there is a better looking actress. She melts my clocks. Well known for playing Anne Bolyn in The Tudors, and does a very good smouldering temptress.

4. William Da Worde – Jack Davenport

Well known for Pirates of the Caribbean. But his part in Coupling is more of what Im after. Does a panicky, highly strung bachelor pretty well.

5. CMOT Dibbler – Mackenzie Crook

His role as Ragetti in Pirates of the Caribbean is exactly what Im looking for. I think he could also do a pretty passable Nobby.

6. Leonard of Quirm – Bill Bailey

Well, I mean, look at him. He already is Leonard of Quirm. Make him a bit older, yes, but I think he really does the forgetful-genius pretty well already.

Harry King – Ray Winston

A cockney mobster? He’s one already. Nuff said.

Death and co:

1. Death – James Earl Jones (voice)

He did Darth Vader in Star Wars. Trying to watch him in Dr Strangelove, or Hunt for the Red October and not seeing Vader is like trying to watch the Lord of the Rings and not see Hugo Weaving as Agent Smith. Impossible.

2. Susan (young) – Tamzin Merchant

Yes, she’s as old as I am, but she looks pretty young. Well known playing Katherine Howard in The Tudors, she can do girlishly immature, but also serious and knowing. A good mix, I think.

3. Susan (older) – Helena Bonham Carter

A brilliant actress – just look at the diversity between her roles in Fight Club and The King’s Speech. She does angry/snappish very well. Could even do Granny Weatherwax if you made her look older.

4. Albert – Eric Idle

One of the sharpest and funniest actors alive. The man is a master. Its just a pity Albert isn’t a more prominant character.

Other characters:

1. Cohen the Barbarian – Ian Mckellen

Trying to get him to act in some leather underwear could be tricky… But he would be awesome.

2. Igor (all of them) – Andy Serkis

A brilliant voice artist. Turning a lisp on and off half-way through a sentance? He could deffinately do that!

3. Twoflower – Masi Oka

He had a very short part in an Austin Powers movie, where his line was “It looks like Godzilla, but due to international copyright laws, its not!” He’s been in some other stuff as well. Not a very difficult part to play, but I dont think Sean Astin did a very good job…

4. Lord Downey – Nick Dunning

Best known for playing Thomas Boleyn in The Tudors. He just looks right.

5. Arthur Winkins a.k.a. Count Notfaroutoe – Jack Dee

Henpecked vampire. Done. Just need a bit of a goth look, and its all there.

6. Otto Chriek – Dylan Moran

Yes, OK, he’s typically a drunk Irish comedian. What really swung me was a very brief shot of him in some of Black Books un-aired out-takes, with his hair brushed, a cigarette, and a suit. I saw that, and Otto leapt to mind straight away.